Senioritis Epidemic Flocks Churchill’s Campus

Like diarrhea, Senioritis afflicts twelfth graders indiscriminately, paying no heed to their age, race, socioeconomic status, or previous study habits. Symptoms include poor work ethic, repeated absences, excessive wearing of sweatpants, generally dismissive attitude, regret for taking Math 31 without needing to, and thrill-seeking behaviour. If patients cared enough to probe its causes, they  would find “being tired of this sh*t” and lacking enthusiasm about finishing the current chapter of their lives when a more exciting one is on the horizon to be  among them.

“I used to be busy juggling school, work, and extracurriculars, but the only things I’ve been juggling lately are my balls,” says Michael Jones, whose devotion to refining his juggling prowess has been inversely proportional to his physics mark. “Like, I recently had a lab report due. I decided to do it during tutorial. After sleeping in and missing tutorial, I decided to do it during my spare. After going to McDonald’s during my spare, I failed to hand it in. I considered doing it later that night for partial marks, but in the end, I was too lazy to bother doing it at all. Oh well.  I already got accepted to UBC’s School of Engineering. As long as I scrape by with a pass in physics, I’m good to go.”

The only known cure for Senioritis is a phenomenon called “Graduation.”

– Areeba K.

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